At least Julie knows where she lives.

Steely Dan had a lyric for every occasion:

Yay.

When I was feeling sorry for myself as my wrist was killing me, I became obsessed with videos on earthquakes. There was one I can't find now, but it was a good documentary. One EMS dude got the call and thought he was going to go and hold a ladder, but when his crew got there, the devastation was so great, they had to go in. Search and rescue people told of giving morphine to folks they knew wouldn't survive, they told of having to choose who would get to go to the hospital. One lady was paralyzed. I really love disaster relief, but like everybody else, I let my work schedule get in the way.

On a personal note of much joy, today was my first day without a wrist brace. Yesterday, driving the boss, I was able to turn the key in the ignition of the car in one stroke, instead of having to turn it halfway, then re-grip it to take it the rest of the way. It is wider than it used to be, but a lot of the strength and range of motion have returned, and the bone is not jutting out like it used to. A miracle must have happened. On the down-side, I won't be strumming "Question" On the guitar anytime soon, but this is sweet. What was that Justin said? Yippee.

I watched the entire Cedar Park video on Youtube last night, and now I see things were not as they had seemed. I am crushed and devastated. What was the worst day of my life was even worse. I'm so sorry.

Short version: I went to Cedar Park. I had an emotional crisis right at the show. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with how ugly and evil I was. I dress like a prostitute, I wear too much makeup, I stare at Justin until it hurts him, I can't get a decent job, I have no talent, my hair is impossible, I'm too fat, who am I to go to concerts, etc. Then, everything fed into the narrative. I hated myself, Justin was making grumbly faces at me (We all know he's too nice to do that, but I had to spin reality to fit the conclusion.), I spiralled down until I couldn't even look at the stage. I was lowlife crud and I had to get out of there ASAP before the whole planet exploded from my awfulness.

My friend, with whom I went to my first Moodies show in Pine Knob 26 years ago according to her count, assured me I was imagining it all. Justin couldn't know who I was. He couldn't see me. I was making stuff up. She's a professional counselor, but her help was going nowhere. I just needed a good cry. I got a room and saw my eyes were a teal/sage color, like I had cried all the orange out of them. Then, I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't do anything the next day. I only wanted to cry. My greatest love in the world was going to see Justin Hayward live. He always filled me with good vibes that soothe the soul. Now, I really blew it. I acted like a child. Now, the world knew I was bat-poo crazy. There was no crawling back unless I wanted to get into games of codependency like alcoholics play. I'd never see Justin again, but he would be happy.

I tried to take a nap. I was, after all, sleep deprived from the 17-hour drive. As I drifted off to sleep, a lady in a half-dream said the Moodies were trying to cancel the show. I shot up. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" thought I, "I refuse to be that horrible." I posted a couple pity-party things here and, for who knows what reason, decided to go to Irving and let somebody else be the one to stop bat-poo crazy me from going.

I sat in my seat like the student in time-out. Linda was probably right about me being more invisible than I had supposed, but I still had been a super fool, and I didn't hope for any redemption. I mean, once one demonstrates they can go the distance to be an uber-fool, there's no telling they won't do it another time. I was D-O-N-E.

The band came out, and Justin was, well, Justin. And I lived happily ever after.

Well, I'm killing myself for not arranging my life so I can be in Las Vegas, and I'm sorry I didn't even try to go on the cruise, and I'm feeling rather empty, but I learned a very good lesson that day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gt7mtdLha-c

Did life go around a corner or something? This is not like me. The boss gave me bonuses for the last two years today. Then, still having problems getting interested in work, I watched a chick-flick instead and bawled my eyes out. It was 'Twist of Faith' with Toni Braxton.

P.S. I see I wrote "killing" when it was a malapropism for "kicking." Please don't take me away in a little white coat.

Oh, no. It's almost time for the lights to go down again, and here I sit miles away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5J1mn_u0rM

I've been lyyyyin' to myself.